Out of the Office: Into each life some rain must fall

It is written that into each life some rain must fall, and currently a lot is falling on my family. We’re getting very good care and lots of support, so please don’t worry about us. I’m told we’ll get out of this.

Consider this my ‘out of office reply’ on many of my projects and activities. I’m out of it for a bit. I know lots of people have seen me drop out of meetings and presentations, now you know why. Please do not send any email or help, with one big exception. If you could spare something for my friends over at https://aidtoukraine.nl and donated, do let me know, it will cheer me up tremendously. I know these people very well (for decades) and they are doing great work bringing help to Ukraine directly. If you are outside of The Netherlands, a donation to United24 from the Ukrainian government might be easier. Thanks!

The “big rain” comes when (medical) life events are so scary you wonder if things will ever return to normal. And after a while when that goal seems out of reach, you start to worry if things will ever even become bearable again.

I’m on my third experience like this. All have been serious and prolonged medical situations of loved ones.

When life suddenly gives you huge things to worry about, this gives a unique perspective on what really matters. But that perspective might not stick.

You rarely see anything written contemporaneously by people currently felled by very bad news. And, from experience, I know that once the situation settles, some kind of protective amnesia sets in. But this also makes you forget what you learned about what was important. So there is some value in writing up what I feel right now.

One thing that always helps me is if I can be useful somehow.

I can confirm this quote by Kurt Vonnegut, “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things”. It sounds a bit trite, but I’m feeling this in my bones right now. And I recall the same from the two earlier bad times.

The little things like going for a walk, eating somewhere special, inviting people over for dinner, taking a break together, going to a movie. So easy to neglect when life is busy. Once these things (temporarily) become impossible, you feel like an utter fool for faffing about rushing back to your computer after dinner to get the font right on slide 12 of a presentation.

Now, it has been said that no one dying ever said “I wish I’d spent more time at the office”. And I’ve reflected on that a lot. I do in fact know people that wished they’d taken somewhat better care of their career. I’m not advocating here to ignore your professional life and focus entirely on friends and family.

And yet, I’m pretty sure I got the calibration wrong over the past few years. I’ve been told over and over again that people don’t understand how I get so much done in terms of impactful writing and projects. Some people had also been wisely telling me I was overdoing it. Meanwhile, I mostly thought I was just being incredibly productive. I know I can deliver a lot of work in a short time. I know my talks are appreciated and sometimes move the needle (a bit).

But I’ve also come to realize that while I did not neglect my family (they assure me), I did unhealthily try to take the whole world onto my shoulders through talking, writing and projects. And as I noted earlier, this can mess you up. No one can save the world on their own.

But trying to do so definitely stops you from doing and enjoying the little things, the little things that turn out to be the big things.

Photo by Fenna van Casand on Unsplash

As part of our current bad situation, we oddly enough have had some time to do lovely walks, and it was awesome. Turns out we have a lot of nature around where we live. But we barely went there, which is just sad.

So I hope this post can function as a reminder to myself. When things inevitably get better, I hope to continue to take better care of the little things that are the big things. Feel free to remind me if I don’t.

Thank you for reading this somewhat sad update.

PS: And to reiterate, if you want to support me, please do so by supporting Ukraine through the links above (https://aidtoukraine.nl or United24).